TOP 13 OF 2013

Haters can hate, but from the lofty tooted blockbusters down to the busking-for-pennies indie gems, the schlocky pulp down to the obtusely arthouse, 2013 was- for me- one the best years for film in recent memory. I mean, we opened with arguably Tarantino’s meilleur, DJANGO UNCHAINED, wrapped up (almost) with Alfonso Cuaron’s jaw flooring epic GRAVITY, and as filling to that sandwich had the classier-than-Chianti THE CONJURING and robots using a cargo ship as a baseball bat) to PACIFIC RIM a Chtulaic sea beast (but not in a Michael Bay way, don’t worry). I mean, shit, even the horror remakes didn’t blow chunks.

So if you’re one of those people that are going to vomit forth the stream of annual cinematic odium all over your facebook status and gripe that MAN OF STEEL sucked harder than Miley Cyrus on a bong or STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS didn’t have enough lens flares or that THE HOBBIT didn’t have enough walking through fields for your distinguished taste or that THE HARRY HILL MOVIE… was THE HARRY HILL MOVIE, please, just watch 1.5 of any of the films below. 2013 was good, you’re just to obtuse to see it.

ENOUGH, MITCH, ENOUGH WITH THE VITRIOLIC FINGER POINTING, ON WITH THE SHOW!

But first, some honourable mentions (because even though I cheated by doing 13 instead of 10- hey its 2013, it’s thematic- I still couldn’t leave these puppies out)

EVIL DEAD- 50,000 gallons of blood. One scene. Chainsaw face fuck.

NO ONE LIVES- Possibly my most rewatched film of 2013. Pure campy schlock fun. I adore this film.

GRAVITY- Possibly the best Hollywood film of the year, big brash budget Hollywood at it’s bombastic best.

BRIDEGROOMS- For my bottom dollar, the most important documentary of 2013, if only this could get the ire, passion and attention that BLACKFISH has. A siren song & call to arms of LGBT rights across the world & a heart breaking life affirming story.

And three short films which, not only felt like and should be feature-length films, but if they were- would easily be scaling the 13 rungs of this list: GHOUL SCHOOL (dir. Brook Linder), ANGST PISS & DRID (dir. Fredrik Hana) and SAFE HAVEN (dir. Gareth Evans & Timo Tjahjanto).

And now for our feature presentation:

13- THE WAY WAY BACK

Small on inventiveness but big on charm, the charismatic directorial debut from the guys that penned the Oscar winning THE DESCENDANTS is the coming of age story you wish you had. Sam Rockwell is the mentor you wish you had (or husband, that’s okay too). And a side-splitting scene-stealing Allison Janney is the mother you wish you never had. But what really gives THE WAY WAY BACK its place here is for justifying my skin-crawling loath for Steve Carell.

12- STOKER

Is Stoker a big joke that only Chan Wook Park is in on? Because strip back the towering performances, glorious aesthetic, and portentously sumptuous imagery and what we have is a plot not indifferent to a midseason filler episode of Midsummer Murders. Lucky for us, none of that is stripped back, but rather lathered on with aplomb; and Chan Wook reaffirms his auterish deftness at Shakespearian melodrama. Also has a shot where a daddy long legs going down on Mia Wasikowska.

11- SNAP

This film has a dubstep remix of The Smith’s ‘How Soon Is Now’. That is all.

Lol jk. And even though SNAP has a scintillating score (which is occasionally synched to the visuals in some remarkable scratch editing)- not to mention some career best performances from its young ensemble, aforementioned editing & handy camera work, it’s the devilishly clever script that shines here. A serious-as-a-heart-attack and sharp-as-an-adrenalin-pen character study of a fractured psyche swings violently at its audience and packs serious clout in it inevitably strikes home.

10- WHAT MAISIE KNEW

Adapting a Henry James novel without its 50-shades-of-black darkness should be akin to remaking Jurassic Park without the dinosaurs, and yet WHAT MAISIE KNEW manages to fill James’ ethical dirge with earnest sentimentality and one of the finest performances by a child actor ever put to film (not to mention an incredibly brave one by Julianne Moore). This tale of parental divorce from the child’s perspective is as beautiful as it is heartrending and is quite possibly the film that moved me the most this year.

9- THE CONJURING

James Wans’ supposed coup-de-grace to the horror genre (yeah right after those box office takings) was not only the best pure horror film of the year, but also the best is possibly a good few years. Dripping with more class than Grace Kelly playing hoopla with a Moet bottle & 64-carat bracelets, THE CONJURING proved just how fine horror can be. And just how scary the dark empty corner of your bedroom can be. Also, Ryan Gosling does a sing on the soundtrack. No, really.

8- THE BATTERY

Just when I think I’m over zombie movies; just when I’ve had enough of road trip films; Just as I begin to utter that every baseball movie in existence puts me into a coma (yes, especially Field Of Dreams), along comes THE BATTERY and quite simply, proves me wrong. A small masterpiece, that drew from me every emotion a film can, THE BATTERY is the finest take on the zombie-comedy-dromedy subgenre we have ever had. And even beyond it’s sure to be marketed at horror demographic, the film is character writing: defined. Every screenwriter & actor should have this film as the 5^th gospel.

7- UPSTREAM COLOR

At first glance, UPSTREAM COLOR makes about as much sense as Amanda Bynes, and yet like the petals of the films catalytic orchid, peel back the rich layers & beneath is a profoundly deep study on existential doubt, a musing of the question ‘does identity define us or do we define identity?’, and refreshing of everyone’s college assurances that Thoreau is about as interesting as diving for rubble in a municipal swimming pool. Handsomely lensed, Stunningly assured & baffinglingly reflective, no genre is left unturned in director Shane Carruth’s burrowing into your deepest subconscious.

6- DANS LA MAISON

On time, early in high school, I quite like-liked a teacher, so I wrote a secret message of adoration & appreciation on a Satsuma & left in on my desk after class. DANS LA MAISON has made me able to vocalise that tibdit of depressive confession for the first time in 8 years. And that’s because even though I liked a teacher, I NEVER VOYEURISTICALLY MANIPULATED HER ENTIRE FAMILY, BROKE ROUGHLY 6 LAWS & LAY POST COITUS WITH HER. IN FRENCH. That being said, the wonderful after-school-special that is DANS LA MAISON is about as tense, wryly funny & subversively satirical as a film can be, and wonderfully paints the almost mystical power of storytelling.

5- ANTIVIRAL

When your daddy is David Cronenberg, you’ve got balls to debut with a body horror. Luckily, young pup Brandon Cronenberg not only has balls, he has effervescently stylistic and conceptually brilliant balls. And synthetically grown ones at that. A sterilely beautiful film, ANTIVIRAL is the finger pointing at every Daily Mail reader in the world; a Petri dish of fan-fetish-culture concepts from a not to distant future. It’s horror as it should be, horror that truly revolts in both senses of the word.

4-  BIG BAD WOLVES

Gary Glitter’s comeback tour prospect aside, I never thought I would laugh so much at a paedophile. Trust those pesky Isreali auteurs Aharon Keshales & Navot Papushado to not only prove me false, but also turn out one of the best thrillers of the decade, not just this year. But don’t let its belly-aching laughs belie the true gut wrenching nature of this beast: BIG BAD WOLVES delivers a more twisted & white knuckle ride than any theme park fare.  It is the kind of film that Tarantino or the Coen’s would be hailed for and proud of turning out.

[Side note: It also features my favourite score of the year, seriously go and listen to that grandiose sucker]

3- FRANCES HA

Frances Ha is joy on a platter. The rare kind of film that leaves me speechless, smiling ear to ear & devoid of any witty innuendo driven repartee on review (i’ll even withhold doing a Frances Hahahahaha pun, and not because it’s tragic). The mumblecore lovechild of Woody Allen & Lena Dunham, it scintillates in gleeful exuberance & a perfect encapture of 20-something life- being young, lost and hopeful. Everyone on lens shines, but, personal favourite for years now, Greta Gerwig owns the entire movie & turns in the performance of the year. Like a good deep-muscle massage it makes you cry & smile in just the right measures and leaves you post-credits with a resounding ache on your cheeks (face cheeks that is, minds out of the gutter kids).

2- THE DIRTIES

The Dirties is arduous, voyeuristic, devastating, and yet – in my eyes- the most important movie of 2013. It is the encapsulation of the horrors of bullying, and the dangerous arsenal of strength that anyone can get in this day and age. School shootings are inevitably a contentious and taboo topic of focus, yet with a high media saturation (featuring even on the last season of Glee) they run the risk of being used just as a contentious and taboo attention grabber. THE DIRTIES eschews that worry entirely and, its intentions set out from almost the get-go, barrels along to its inevitable shuddering conclusion with the speed & immense power of a freight train. THE DIRTIES left me shaken and speechless. A stark depiction of an intimate internal horror, THE DIRTIES it’s cinema at its most visceral & essential.

[Side note: it also features probably the hands down best credits design I have ever seen, worth the price of admission alone].

1- THE KINGS OF SUMMER

I go to the movies with hopes, for 90 minutes in a dark room, to be taken to another place, another life, to forget about the real world. KINGS OF SUMMER did just that. As such, it has a very special place in my heart, and I’m chagrin to analyse or explain it. KINGS OF SUMMER is like getting to watch STAND BY ME for the first time again. And if KOS is the new SBY, then startlingly astute newcomer Nick Robinson is surely the new River Pheonix. Here’s hoping he stays clear of the Viper Room on Sunset. There’s not much more I can or want to say about KINGS, other than see it. It’s a keeper.

And that’s my two cents.

Thank’s for sticking around, folks.