#SDCC GAME OF THRONES PANEL – MY TWO CENTS

Well, here we go. San Diego Comic Con. Ready yourself. As always: views are mine- permanently caffeinated, perfunctorily regulated, likely offensive.

Clearly the big draw for the TV thread of this years San Diego Comic Con was of course the big Game of Thrones panel, and besides the compare having the comedic value of syphilis, it did not disappoint. Here are my two cents on why:

NEW CAST ANNOUNCEMENT! Aka Hey fans, here’s a slew of people you are going to grow to adore who we are then going to decimate in one fell swoop of Valyrian steel and leave you feeling as depressed as that time your childhood sweetheart dumped you via Tamagotchi note on a train to Weston. Ya get me?

Now- all cards on the table- because I read at the glacial pace of a paraplegic sloth I’m only half way into A Clash of Kings. As such, these characters mean very little to me. But what I can gather, between the Sands, nouveau Martells & Hotah; watch out anyone that isn’t in da House Martell massiv. I just hope among all hopes this means that Lady Olenna is bumped up to a season regular.

 

Then there’s also Jonathan Pryce playing a High Sparrow. Which will be interesting because the only bird I’ve ever seen high is a magpie after it huffed a half empty popper can on Canal Street.

But let’s face it, when it came to the cast, I can’t remember anything past Toby Sebastian. l Let’s look at that boy a second.

*le sigh*

Between this & all that panel talk of more male nudity… I digress.

Basically: yay new people; that means DB&D are less likely to bump off our faves. right? RIGHT!?

But yes aside from new shit, we had awkward George, even more awkward uber fans (Jack Sparrow, really?), awkward Sansa (is Sophie Turner okay, can we check on her please), possibly the most ingratiating host since Michael McIntyre, Natalie Dormer turning me straight and best of all Gwen (Brienne) & Rory (Clegane) having a stellar bromance.

Then there was the now annual Comic-Con quasi-official farewell to that seasons dearly departed, of which Season 4 had a bumper crop. Rose Leslie halted her resting-toxic-candy-sucking face long enough to quite heart-touchingly muse on my beloved Ygritte’s final moments. Aww (I’m still hung up on her loss). Clegane barked a little too much for the joke to be funny. But of course our little viper, who garnered the loudest crowd reaction on entry, was the man of the hour. Namely for this without-fault without-pause response when asked what’s better: dragons or direwolves?

Flawless, Pedro, flawless.

Dan & Dave were ever light on spoilers- though did spill that Season 5 will shoot in Spain & Croatia, so I’m mainly hoping to see Tywin rave it up in Magaluf & there to be a *hilarious* ‘ARE YE A CROW OR A CRO’’ pun. They also expressed script intent to up Stannis’ standing on the show to… “STANNIS THE MANNIS”. And you thought my pun was bad…

Mr Martin was a little more forthcoming, revealing that the prologue to The Winds Of Winter will be from the POV of Jeyne Westerling (crowd goes wild, I twiddle my thumbs). He also furthered my love of him in an extended call-to-arms to fans insisting that the differences between the novels & series canon mean nothing, and that one isn’t better than the other. Using the analogy of Scarlett O’Hara and her maternal differences in the book versus movie iterations of Gone With The Wind he said “Does she have three children (as in the book) or one (movie)? The correct answer is she doesn’t have any, because she’s not a real person”. So, shut it die-hards. There was nothing wrong with us having Talisa.

As for what Season 5 holds: all held tighter lips than… Erm… Okay everyone’s too promiscuous on the show for me to pull that joke. But effectively we know the usual: 10 episode run, airing next April. It’ll kick some serious vosma (yeah that was Dothraki what of it). They’re also fully into production, with Kit spilling – causing 2 specific panicked faces on the panel- that he starts shooting his scenes this past Monday. Hurrah for loose lips, eh Ygritte? (I knew I’d make the joke work somewhere).

And finally, if we gained anything from the full hour long panel- or even the entirety of Comic Con as a whole- it was this, my new go to saying to the haters:

Thank you Emilia.

And that’s my two cents.

MY 13 BEST FILMS OF 2013

Haters can hate, but from the lofty tooted blockbusters down to the busking-for-pennies indie gems, the schlocky pulp down to the obtusely arthouse, 2013 was- for me- one the best years for film in recent memory. I mean, we opened with arguably Tarantino’s meilleur, DJANGO UNCHAINED, wrapped up (almost) with Alfonso Cuaron’s jaw flooring epic GRAVITY, and as filling to that sandwich had the classier-than-Chianti THE CONJURING and robots using a cargo ship as a baseball bat) to PACIFIC RIM a Chtulaic sea beast (but not in a Michael Bay way, don’t worry). I mean, shit, even the horror remakes didn’t blow chunks.

So if you’re one of those people that are going to vomit forth the stream of annual cinematic odium all over your facebook status and gripe that MAN OF STEEL sucked harder than Miley Cyrus on a bong or STAR TREK INTO DARKNESS didn’t have enough lens flares or that THE HOBBIT didn’t have enough walking through fields for your distinguished taste or that THE HARRY HILL MOVIE… was THE HARRY HILL MOVIE, please, just watch 1.5 of any of the films below. 2013 was good, you’re just to obtuse to see it.

ENOUGH, MITCH, ENOUGH WITH THE VITRIOLIC FINGER POINTING, ON WITH THE SHOW!

But first, some honourable mentions (because even though I cheated by doing 13 instead of 10- hey its 2013, it’s thematic- I still couldn’t leave these puppies out)

EVIL DEAD- 50,000 gallons of blood. One scene. Chainsaw face fuck.

NO ONE LIVES- Possibly my most rewatched film of 2013. Pure campy schlock fun. I adore this film.

GRAVITY- Possibly the best Hollywood film of the year, big brash budget Hollywood at it’s bombastic best.

BRIDEGROOMS- For my bottom dollar, the most important documentary of 2013, if only this could get the ire, passion and attention that BLACKFISH has. A siren song & call to arms of LGBT rights across the world & a heart breaking life affirming story.

And three short films which, not only felt like and should be feature-length films, but if they were- would easily be scaling the 13 rungs of this list: GHOUL SCHOOL (dir. Brook Linder), ANGST PISS & DRID (dir. Fredrik Hana) and SAFE HAVEN (dir. Gareth Evans & Timo Tjahjanto).

And now for our feature presentation:

13- THE WAY WAY BACK

Small on inventiveness but big on charm, the charismatic directorial debut from the guys that penned the Oscar winning THE DESCENDANTS is the coming of age story you wish you had. Sam Rockwell is the mentor you wish you had (or husband, that’s okay too). And a side-splitting scene-stealing Allison Janney is the mother you wish you never had. But what really gives THE WAY WAY BACK its place here is for justifying my skin-crawling loath for Steve Carell.

12- STOKER

Is Stoker a big joke that only Chan Wook Park is in on? Because strip back the towering performances, glorious aesthetic, and portentously sumptuous imagery and what we have is a plot not indifferent to a midseason filler episode of Midsummer Murders. Lucky for us, none of that is stripped back, but rather lathered on with aplomb; and Chan Wook reaffirms his auterish deftness at Shakespearian melodrama. Also has a shot where a daddy long legs going down on Mia Wasikowska.

11- SNAP

This film has a dubstep remix of The Smith’s ‘How Soon Is Now’. That is all.

Lol jk. And even though SNAP has a scintillating score (which is occasionally synched to the visuals in some remarkable scratch editing)- not to mention some career best performances from its young ensemble, aforementioned editing & handy camera work, it’s the devilishly clever script that shines here. A serious-as-a-heart-attack and sharp-as-an-adrenalin-pen character study of a fractured psyche swings violently at its audience and packs serious clout in it inevitably strikes home.

10- WHAT MAISIE KNEW

Adapting a Henry James novel without its 50-shades-of-black darkness should be akin to remaking Jurassic Park without the dinosaurs, and yet WHAT MAISIE KNEW manages to fill James’ ethical dirge with earnest sentimentality and one of the finest performances by a child actor ever put to film (not to mention an incredibly brave one by Julianne Moore). This tale of parental divorce from the child’s perspective is as beautiful as it is heartrending and is quite possibly the film that moved me the most this year.

9- THE CONJURING

James Wans’ supposed coup-de-grace to the horror genre (yeah right after those box office takings) was not only the best pure horror film of the year, but also the best is possibly a good few years. Dripping with more class than Grace Kelly playing hoopla with a Moet bottle & 64-carat bracelets, THE CONJURING proved just how fine horror can be. And just how scary the dark empty corner of your bedroom can be. Also, Ryan Gosling does a sing on the soundtrack. No, really.

8- THE BATTERY

Just when I think I’m over zombie movies; just when I’ve had enough of road trip films; Just as I begin to utter that every baseball movie in existence puts me into a coma (yes, especially Field Of Dreams), along comes THE BATTERY and quite simply, proves me wrong. A small masterpiece, that drew from me every emotion a film can, THE BATTERY is the finest take on the zombie-comedy-dromedy subgenre we have ever had. And even beyond it’s sure to be marketed at horror demographic, the film is character writing: defined. Every screenwriter & actor should have this film as the 5^th gospel.

7- UPSTREAM COLOR

At first glance, UPSTREAM COLOR makes about as much sense as Amanda Bynes, and yet like the petals of the films catalytic orchid, peel back the rich layers & beneath is a profoundly deep study on existential doubt, a musing of the question ‘does identity define us or do we define identity?’, and refreshing of everyone’s college assurances that Thoreau is about as interesting as diving for rubble in a municipal swimming pool. Handsomely lensed, Stunningly assured & baffinglingly reflective, no genre is left unturned in director Shane Carruth’s burrowing into your deepest subconscious.

6- DANS LA MAISON

On time, early in high school, I quite like-liked a teacher, so I wrote a secret message of adoration & appreciation on a Satsuma & left in on my desk after class. DANS LA MAISON has made me able to vocalise that tibdit of depressive confession for the first time in 8 years. And that’s because even though I liked a teacher, I NEVER VOYEURISTICALLY MANIPULATED HER ENTIRE FAMILY, BROKE ROUGHLY 6 LAWS & LAY POST COITUS WITH HER. IN FRENCH. That being said, the wonderful after-school-special that is DANS LA MAISON is about as tense, wryly funny & subversively satirical as a film can be, and wonderfully paints the almost mystical power of storytelling.

5- ANTIVIRAL

When your daddy is David Cronenberg, you’ve got balls to debut with a body horror. Luckily, young pup Brandon Cronenberg not only has balls, he has effervescently stylistic and conceptually brilliant balls. And synthetically grown ones at that. A sterilely beautiful film, ANTIVIRAL is the finger pointing at every Daily Mail reader in the world; a Petri dish of fan-fetish-culture concepts from a not to distant future. It’s horror as it should be, horror that truly revolts in both senses of the word.

4-  BIG BAD WOLVES

Gary Glitter’s comeback tour prospect aside, I never thought I would laugh so much at a paedophile. Trust those pesky Isreali auteurs Aharon Keshales & Navot Papushado to not only prove me false, but also turn out one of the best thrillers of the decade, not just this year. But don’t let its belly-aching laughs belie the true gut wrenching nature of this beast: BIG BAD WOLVES delivers a more twisted & white knuckle ride than any theme park fare.  It is the kind of film that Tarantino or the Coen’s would be hailed for and proud of turning out.

[Side note: It also features my favourite score of the year, seriously go and listen to that grandiose sucker]

3- FRANCES HA

Frances Ha is joy on a platter. The rare kind of film that leaves me speechless, smiling ear to ear & devoid of any witty innuendo driven repartee on review (i’ll even withhold doing a Frances Hahahahaha pun, and not because it’s tragic). The mumblecore lovechild of Woody Allen & Lena Dunham, it scintillates in gleeful exuberance & a perfect encapture of 20-something life- being young, lost and hopeful. Everyone on lens shines, but, personal favourite for years now, Greta Gerwig owns the entire movie & turns in the performance of the year. Like a good deep-muscle massage it makes you cry & smile in just the right measures and leaves you post-credits with a resounding ache on your cheeks (face cheeks that is, minds out of the gutter kids).

2- THE DIRTIES

The Dirties is arduous, voyeuristic, devastating, and yet – in my eyes- the most important movie of 2013. It is the encapsulation of the horrors of bullying, and the dangerous arsenal of strength that anyone can get in this day and age. School shootings are inevitably a contentious and taboo topic of focus, yet with a high media saturation (featuring even on the last season of Glee) they run the risk of being used just as a contentious and taboo attention grabber. THE DIRTIES eschews that worry entirely and, its intentions set out from almost the get-go, barrels along to its inevitable shuddering conclusion with the speed & immense power of a freight train. THE DIRTIES left me shaken and speechless. A stark depiction of an intimate internal horror, THE DIRTIES it’s cinema at its most visceral & essential.

[Side note: it also features probably the hands down best credits design I have ever seen, worth the price of admission alone].

1- THE KINGS OF SUMMER

I go to the movies with hopes, for 90 minutes in a dark room, to be taken to another place, another life, to forget about the real world. KINGS OF SUMMER did just that. As such, it has a very special place in my heart, and I’m chagrin to analyse or explain it. KINGS OF SUMMER is like getting to watch STAND BY ME for the first time again. And if KOS is the new SBY, then startlingly astute newcomer Nick Robinson is surely the new River Pheonix. Here’s hoping he stays clear of the Viper Room on Sunset. There’s not much more I can or want to say about KINGS, other than see it. It’s a keeper.

And that’s my two cents.

Thank’s for sticking around, folks.

 

 

My Two Cents: Top 10 (or thereabouts) Movies of 2011

The Just-Cant-Scrape-It’s:

127 Hours- For that bitchin nerve cutting sound effect, the thirst impact it had on me, and the fact it made me jump to a image of Scooby Doo its gotta get in here somewhere.

Red White & Blue- Probably the most shocking film I’ve seen all year, certainly in terms of brutal realism. Noah Hathaway is a tour de force of not-to-be-fucked-with.

5150 Elms Way- One that 80% of people won’t have heard of, this little French language Canadian feature struck me as a stunningly original and disturbing take on the held-hostage subgenre archetyped by such movies as ‘Mum and Dad’. Forget the tunnels of Kill List or the dream world of Insidious, the basement of 5150 Elms Way is THE most unsettling setpiece of the year. It doesn’t break the top 10 due to pacing issues, but I simply had to mention it purely for the push for everyone to watch it.

My Sucky Teen Romance- I’m… going… to… Say it outloud… (movie-in-joke). I loved this. I loved it I loved it I loved it. I loved how it was made, what it stands for, the people in it, the ethos it rips on and the way it goes about it. From its self funding, close knit cast and crew, inspired and dorky script, charming characters and a self awareness rarely seen alongside warm innocence.  Quite simply, I . Loved. It.

Friends with Benefits- In a year of god awful romcoms (New Years Eve i’m ‘fuck-you’ing at you in particular) this film just made me smile. Mila Kunis can play a pickled egg and I think i’d love it.

Kill List- Sure you cant understand 85% of the ‘script’ save for the words ‘fack’ or ‘cunt’, sure script has to be put in inverted commas for lack of dialogically narrative coherence, sure it rips a tad on ‘Serbian Film’s gutpunch; but… Brutal hammer to the head: check. Best of list: check.

We Need To Talk About Kevin- Which film legitimately scared the crap out of me? Rosemary’s Baby Part II, I mean, We Need to talk about Kevin. Genuinely unsettling, a constant air of tension and the biggest punch-in-the-face twist since Serbian Film… or Kill List. Quite simply, this is horrifying.

Paranormal Activity 3/ Final Destination 5 – You know that idea that sequels always suck worse than their predecessor. Yeah, well, 2011 screwed that puppy in the ass didn’t it?

Top 10

10. Insidious – Its not a remake, its not a sequel and its not stuck rooted in paying homage to every Kubrick or Craven movie under the sun. It’s just a straight up, made for 2011, supernatural horror movie that has the ability to draw tension, jumps, creep outs and even a few wry laughs. You know a scary movie is good when it can propel an ordinary song into being utterly terrifying; The Exorcist did it, The Loved Ones did it, now Tiptoe Through the Tulips is up there with goosepimple educing awe. There are too many things I like about Insidious to list here but a few worthy of special mention is the genius back-and-forth window distraction jump, the he’s-behind-you demon photo-bomb, the screeching violin scale descend in the opening score, Lin Shaye, the smiley smash cut, that crackle, the boy in the corner, Oh and of course… Lin Shaye.

9. Another Earth – What’s scarier than Rebecca Black? The idea that there’s another identical Rebecca Black on a duplicate planet a few light-years away. And she’s coming to earth. Welcome to the ingenious and unnerving premise of Another Earth. And while Abrahams’ would getting morning glory over this concept and sponge it out as a 5 series Sci-Fi opus (read: yawn). Another Earth takes it, shrugs at it, then spins a beautiful, intimate and personal character study that just so happens to be situated in the context of there being another earth. It’s the least sci-fi Sci-Fi i’ve ever seen, yet instantly manages to be one of the best.

8. I Saw The Devil- The car kill. The freakin car kill! That sequence blows all kind of brains over the bathroom floor for utter ingenuity, itll give arterial spray fans a goregasm and any film maker out that a serious moment of head scratching as to how it was filmed. EDIT: THE BALL SMASH, I just remembered the ball smash. Ohhhhh the ball smash. For the awesomeness that was the technical mastery of the car kill, is only surpassed by the vicious simplicity of the ball smash. This movie is an absolute opus, riddled with insane set pieces, a driving & occasionally shocking storyline and an ending to end all endings. The finest of it’s kind since Seven or Henry.

7. Livide- Try as I might and despite best intentions, I’ve never been able to get into poetry; however… celluloid, that I do get. Lucky for me, then, that Livide exists. And exist is the best way to describe it, for with all its cinematographical mastery and narrative beauty, the film simply breathes of its own merit. It is fluid and esoteric, fucked up and gorgeous. Despite a lack of truly linear story, much to the digression of many of the films haters, it does have – just like any good poem- a story behind it. A concept or ethos that I think is susceptible to the viewer to pick up themselves (though I’m more than willing to spill my ideas on the matter). It is an acquired taste, but a taste of beauty in destruction and creepiness to the n^th degree.

Side note: And don’t let reviews fool you, though it isn’t as gory as Bustillo and Maury’s last masterpiece A L’Interieur, this movie is all horror and definitely does not skimp on the violence.

6. Lake Mungo- While ‘Kevin…’ scared me in a way that will stay with me for the years of my life untill I have a stable 18 year old child, Lake Mungo garners the award of keeping me up all night for fear of turning out the lights. It’s that good. Like if the people behind The Last Broadcast decided to make a decent movie and re-wrote the ideas behind Twin Peaks (down to keeping the Palmer name); Lake Mungo has all the twists, randomness and creep of the Lynch series and more. Its best to go into this one blind, so that’s all I’m going to say. Except that it’s credits reel is *SO* *FREAKING* *GENIUS*. Okay I’m done now, I promise.

5. The Divide – It seems anachronistic that my 5^th favourite film of the year is possibly the 5^th most bummer inducing films I’ve ever seen. I guess nihilism has never looked this good. Gens takes the stale post-apocalyptic genre, rewinds it a tad to the point-of-destruction and hones in the focus to the very (in)humanity within the situation. Breathtakingly bleak and personal to an uncomfortable degree, The Divide simply horrifies in its captivating portrayal of what people truly are reduced to.

4. Attack The Block / Super 8 – Two of my most beloved films of all time are Stand By Me and The Monster Squad. Despite every effort to enjoy every film I see, simply none match these two favourites in terms of heart and an earnest nostalgia for a time I didn’t even experience. Thank God then that 2011 brought along these two mini masterpieces that manage to capture the feel of these classics, embracing this retro-nostalgia vibe without ever being chokingly hipster-esque retro, and show what E.T. would have been like if ET was pissed off and/or horny and intent on taking over the earth. Everything about these movies reeks of greatness and as such I cannot separate them.

3. The Woman – Lucky McKee. Angela Bettis. Sean Spillane. MATCH.MADE.IN.HEAVEN. The Woman does to the nuclear All-American family what American Psycho did to the all-American guy-next-door: peel back the shiny exterior, reveals the beast within… and fucks your mind. To talk about The Woman would be to ruin its effectiveness; it’s an unsettling journey to a place that cannot be expected, one of shocking beauty, brutal redemption and slow-burn satisfaction. It’s a stunningly auteur masterpiece that also contains the most subversively amazing sequence I have seen all year. Just wait till Sean Spillane’s (who, by the way, scores the entire movie incredibly in the least pretentiously indie way possible) ‘Distracted’ hits the speakers. Hyperbole can’t cover this. I can fault this film in one way: it doesn’t provide adequate facial padding… Just maybe put a pillow under your jaw while watching.

2. Detention- Hands up who wants to see a slasher flick that has a sing along Hanson cameo? Yep thought so. Roaring in a number 2 is the indefatigably genius seizure that is Joseph Kahn’s Detention. Imagine if Kevin Williamson and Diablo Cody had an ADD baby with a medical intolerance for Ritalin that grew up to be a methamphetamine addicted screenwriter. Detention would be said screenwriters first work. And my god, does it work. With a pace fixed at Sonic the Hedgehog (post Star Powerup), more pop references than all of Juno’s dailies put together and a pitcher of blood thrown in, Detention is a piece of unimaginable brilliance. Every shot is meticulously planned and executed to the millisecond, Oh yeah and it was written, conceived and directed entirely by one man… oh and made independently to boot. Detention is perfection.

1. Black Swan- I don’t think I have to say anything about Black Swan to warrant it’s no.1 position. Just watch it and you’ll know. Even after upwards of 20 viewings I can find nothing to fault or even yawn at. It’s a Kubrick sandwich with Argento filling and Carpenter’esque paranoia sauce. Food allegories aside, theres nothing I can say of Black Swan that hasn’t already been said, it’s if not the most well known, the most talked about movie on this list. I wish I could put something more niche here so to inspire one to watch something different. But thanks to Aronofsky, I simply can’t.

0 (Yes I cheat, what of it). Drive- Words cannot begin to explain my love for this film without going into War & Peace territories, and as such, will be saved for another day. Quite simply though, if ever a perfect movie comes to mind, this is it. It’s not only the best film of the year by a short mile, it’s one of the best of the past 20 years. The new Pulp Fiction. The new Rear Window. The new Troll 2. Whatever your superlative, Drive deserves it.

And that’s my two cents.