COCKNEYS VS ZOMBIES Review

 

Matthias Hoene’s Lock Stock meets Shaun of the Dead mashup, Cockney’s vs Zombies is about as lemon-tart, Easter bunny & morning glory a film your going to get this year. Its a whole lot of James Gun.

Now, I will fully warn you, I cant fairly review this film. For I – and I hold my hands up here- am a James Moran enthusiast. A James Moran apologist. A James Moran Anonymous attender. To me, everything that guy pens, is utter golden; therefore Cockneys VS Zombies – Jame’s tied second feature length foray into the genre- was a dead cert win. Little did I realise it’d be as much of a win as it was. And, from the rowdy audience cheer alongs, that win was pretty much unanimous.

Cockney’s VS Zombies is about what would hap- fuck it, you’ve read the title, you can foresee what this film is about. Basically though, thanks to a building site cock up, zombies begin to spill out of a unearthed vault and starting with those pesky high-vis’s- tear their jolly way through the (un?)deserved population of the east of London. It’s down to a group of petty thief bank robbers- made up of a post-neurosurgery sociopath, a kick ass ex-Eastender & two meals on wheels layabouts (see why I love Mr Moran)- to fight off the hoards of the undead and save the residents of local old folks centre, Bow Bells Care Home; residents fronted, of course, by Sir Alan Ford. Could the premise get any better? A specially written Chaz & Dave song? Richard Briers having a race with a zombie? A walking frame mounted Uzi? Honor Blackman showing Goldfinger would have been a whole bunch better with a good few f-bombs? Yep, the whole thing from start to finish is a right fucking giraffe.

And for those who are cream crackered from horror-comedies being devoid of any horror, you’ll be happy to know Cockneys… brings the most gore seen in a hormedy since Evil Dead 2. As Moran put it in the films live introduction, I have no fucking idea how this is got rated a 15.  The film has so many head explosions that that scene in Scanners started to lose its potency. Its about as red as it gets.

It’s no Inland Empire, but director Matthias Hoene brings a nice aesthetic to the whole piece that imbues a very comic book feel, full of high energy cutting, dynamic framing and a tendency to really throw you into the action. Saying that, he also manages to give each character a fairly even amount of screen time & makes the whole piece feel like the ensemble it is, no short feat when you’ve got Mr Ford stealing every scene. Saying that though is not to detract from the other players, both Harry Treadaway, Rasmus Hardiker & Michelle Ryan prove why they’re some of the most used young actors in Britain; sparking genuinely interesting character nuances that stand out from the usual ensemble , they kick a lot of zombie ass.

There’s nothing smug here, nothing genre defying, and it really is the best example of ‘Is what it says on the tin’. Luckily, it’s more charming than a prince, gorier-than-an-abattoir, and funny as fuck. Moran’s done it again; but I could have told you that before hand.

I give Cockney’s VS Zombies, and I’m telling you the gods honest Babe Ruth.

7 trafalgar squares/ 10 square-fox and hare-lilo and stitch-abercrombie and fitch-abercrombie zombies

And that’s my two cents.

HATE CRIME Review

 

Censorship: a word that strikes many a fear and/or excitement into both film makers & fans alike; and a word I think, director James Cullen Bressack may too be facing very soon  with his sophomore feature HATE CRIME. I won’t pander you guys with a history of British Board of Film Classification’s loath of extremities in the horror genre, I’m sure you’ve all seen Jake West’s fascinating documentary “VIDEO NASTIES” (and if you haven’t, then stop reading now [don’t really] and check it out). But a recent tally of their lynch mobbings- starting with the refusal to classify an uncut version of A SERBIAN FILM, up to a similar ‘banning’ with HUMAN CENTIPEDE 2 and most recently THE BUNNY GAME- shows the good old BBFC still get their pristine white panties in a twist when it comes to showing the sexual gratification at violence. Now my personal opinion on this matter is another story for another day, but you can deduce it from the following two tenets. HATE CRIME features a heavy amount of content to chum the waters around the BBFC offices; and, to cut to the chase, I really quite liked HATE CRIME.

HATE CRIME depicts the less-than-cheery (understatement alert) events that unfold after a group of borderline personality disorder amygdala-cases invite themselves to the birthday party of the most ABC friendly American family you can imagine. It’s familiar ground for pretty much anyone that has seen more than 20 films in their life; but sometimes it’s that which is familiar that can surprise us the most.

At a paltry 20 years old, Bressack has a lot of experience under his belt; numerous short offerings and a theatrical release of his feature debut, times are a good for the young chap. Now with his second stab at pushing past the 60minute watermark, the director decided to eschew a safe stick-to-what-you-know follow up and gives us a bold, in your face & -as we’ve already touched on- nasty take on a swiftly stagnating subgenre: found footage. Now stop right there naysayer, I’ve heard aplenty of your I-don’t-need-another-Blair-shit-rehash, it’s a boring criticism and stands only to make you miss some of the best the genre has to recently offer. Rant over. Bressack doesn’t just use the found footage element as a cheap way to tell a story, rather I don’t believe any other shooting style would evoke such an powerful experience as the movie provides. By virtue of its medium, HATE CRIME is a very, *very* intense 75 minutes.  Played out almost in real-time, shot as if it was one take thanks to some clever ROPE-esque edit-masks, and bolstered by a improvisational dialogue heavy but nonetheless tight script, the movie is a perfect exercise in terrifying realism.

A terrifying realism whose ‘terrifying’ness is at both its peak & valley on the performances of its ensemble-of-unknowns cast. When they’re good, they’re startling. Yet when they’re bad, things get pretty trite pretty quick. Thankfully the latter case is in the minority (and only one moment- “my little brother, my little brother” for those that’ve seen it- comes to mind in retrospect), and it is much easier to conjure congratulations to mind than complaints. The masked thugs were suitably nasty & did their job aptly. The parents also, fulfil their purpose. Where the standouts really were for me were in the two teenage leads. Both Nicholas Clark (Tyler) & the wonderful pseudonymed Debbie Diesel (Lindsay) put on a gloriously intense performance rarely seen this side of snuff. Some say it’s easy to do the screaming role. Some say it’s easy to play the shellshocked victim. But when it’s played as well as Clark & Diesel do it, the hardness of a role becomes trivial. Particular kudos go to Clark for taking both one of the most insane scenes, and one of the most harrowing scenes and playing each with nuance & apposite horror. I can’t wait to see him in more roles. The future looks, hopefully, bright for both of these kids.

But quite possibly the most impressive thing about the movie, is its ability to take the viewer consistently by surprise. The first occurrence of this made this jaded reviewer physically gasp, pause the movie to gather thoughts, then giggle in actually being caught out. James Bressack’s sense of timing is a thing to behold, plot points that are harrowing in themselves are all the more terrifying when played so bluntly & off beat. Such a deft hand at syncopation makes me salivate at the possibility of what the director could do with a jump scare & a ghost flick. Yes, James, if you’re reading, that’s a hint.

HATE CRIME definitely isn’t a film everyone’s going to enjoy; for some it’ll be too intense, for others a little messy in its camera work, and for certain sensitive of mind folks- a tad on the offensive side. Yet for those than can overcome this, it’s a deftly paced, gruelling and controversial exercise in claustrophobia. Deliciously disturbing & verifiably verite, HATE CRIME is an indie gem any horror or thriller fan would be loath to miss.

7 duct tape / 10 pool tables

And that’s my two cents.

THE SEASONING HOUSE Review

 

Opening this years Film4 FrightFest, The Seasoning House is the directorial debut of grand-guignol genius and seasoned FrightFest alumni Paul Hyett; and If there’s one thing Hyett knows how to do, it’s make some nasty. He’s burnt Mikey Fassbender at the stake, Salem style. He’s given us *those* damn nightmare-pervading subterranean Crawlers. He’s even made Scotland look more post-apocalyptic than Glasgow High Street circa 2012. Now, after over 10 years behind the behind-the-lens that itch to step up and hold the megaphone just got to much. Thank God for itches.

 And thank god for knowing how to make some nasty. The Balkan brothel set THE SEASONING HOUSE is just as dark a nightmare as anything Hyett’s gore team has previously thrown together, but that’s not just to say it’s just some special effects guys having a glory-wank (I’m looking at you, Laid To Rest). In short, it’s stunning.

The Seasoning House is essentially a coming-of-age piece; that is, when one has to come of age in war torn Eastern Europe, prepare other girls to be good raping material & fight off the pitiless soldiers responsible for slaughtering your entirely family. Its coming-of-age drama for sure, but Diary of Adrien Mole this is not. We rather follow young Angel’s semblance at forming a new life in the wake of devastation & her veracity to survive in spite of the horrors she has seen. And horror is an understatement; The Seasoning House is just about as dark as they come. When the first 2 acts aren’t being viciously bleak, they’re being bleakly vicious. We see backchat throat slits (an incredible piece of practical effects), heroin stupors, pelvis breaking rape & some amazingly timed character offings. Be it his massive amount of experience within the genre, Paul Hyett has an amazing grasp of how, even in the midst of unrelenting nastiness, to consistently evoke gasps from the audience. Some of the kills in this are so blunt, off paced & happenstance (all compliments) that they hit you with all the surprise of a shark attack in the Sahara.

It’s not just the kills though; Hyett handles the whole step up to the director’s chair with a deft, confident hand, and an eye for both brutal realism and beautiful surrealism. Press comparisons to Pans Labyrinth are, if a tad grandiose a statement, not entirely unjustified. Hyett’s dreamlike soft focus- and frankly stunning- cinematography are perfect accompaniments to Angel’s forced dissociation from a brutal reality. Yet when it gets bleak, and boy does it, all veneer of dreaminess is masterly ethered away and we are left cringing at a ruthlessly stark picture of human atrocity.

Yet it’s when the atrocities get too much for young Angel, and she decides to break for freedom that the film really kicks up a gear. Angel’s escape [attempts?] are realistic, heart pounding and cathartically fist pumping, due in most part because of how much we care for the girl by this point in the picture. An innocent but determined girl, with an on par ruthlessness as the soldiers, Angel is the only person the audience cares for- and as such- we care for her a lot. Again, due in most part, to a show stealing, future-career-making performance from Rosie Day, who not only imbues Angel with all the qualities discussed above but also manages to do so while playing her deaf & mute. No short feat considering this is Day’s film debut. If any praise can be siphoned away from Hyett, it should be directed at Rosie Day; for she is, if not already, going to be a shining star in British cinema.

And to round out the entire movie comes, following despair, exasperation, triumph, fall, fight & just-deserts… an ending so ubiquitously unsettling it would be a travesty to divulge.

I give The Seasoning House:

8 too-broad-shoulders / 10 too-tight-airducts

An even more tantalizing prospect for you to consider once having seen The Seasoning House; Paul plans for it to be the first in his ‘War’ Trilogy, followed up by films he assures will be tenfold darker & more vicious than Seasoning House… Promises, promises, Mr Hyett.

And that’s my two cents.

My Two Cents: Top 10 (or thereabouts) Movies of 2011

The Just-Cant-Scrape-It’s:

127 Hours- For that bitchin nerve cutting sound effect, the thirst impact it had on me, and the fact it made me jump to a image of Scooby Doo its gotta get in here somewhere.

Red White & Blue- Probably the most shocking film I’ve seen all year, certainly in terms of brutal realism. Noah Hathaway is a tour de force of not-to-be-fucked-with.

5150 Elms Way- One that 80% of people won’t have heard of, this little French language Canadian feature struck me as a stunningly original and disturbing take on the held-hostage subgenre archetyped by such movies as ‘Mum and Dad’. Forget the tunnels of Kill List or the dream world of Insidious, the basement of 5150 Elms Way is THE most unsettling setpiece of the year. It doesn’t break the top 10 due to pacing issues, but I simply had to mention it purely for the push for everyone to watch it.

My Sucky Teen Romance- I’m… going… to… Say it outloud… (movie-in-joke). I loved this. I loved it I loved it I loved it. I loved how it was made, what it stands for, the people in it, the ethos it rips on and the way it goes about it. From its self funding, close knit cast and crew, inspired and dorky script, charming characters and a self awareness rarely seen alongside warm innocence.  Quite simply, I . Loved. It.

Friends with Benefits- In a year of god awful romcoms (New Years Eve i’m ‘fuck-you’ing at you in particular) this film just made me smile. Mila Kunis can play a pickled egg and I think i’d love it.

Kill List- Sure you cant understand 85% of the ‘script’ save for the words ‘fack’ or ‘cunt’, sure script has to be put in inverted commas for lack of dialogically narrative coherence, sure it rips a tad on ‘Serbian Film’s gutpunch; but… Brutal hammer to the head: check. Best of list: check.

We Need To Talk About Kevin- Which film legitimately scared the crap out of me? Rosemary’s Baby Part II, I mean, We Need to talk about Kevin. Genuinely unsettling, a constant air of tension and the biggest punch-in-the-face twist since Serbian Film… or Kill List. Quite simply, this is horrifying.

Paranormal Activity 3/ Final Destination 5 – You know that idea that sequels always suck worse than their predecessor. Yeah, well, 2011 screwed that puppy in the ass didn’t it?

Top 10

10. Insidious – Its not a remake, its not a sequel and its not stuck rooted in paying homage to every Kubrick or Craven movie under the sun. It’s just a straight up, made for 2011, supernatural horror movie that has the ability to draw tension, jumps, creep outs and even a few wry laughs. You know a scary movie is good when it can propel an ordinary song into being utterly terrifying; The Exorcist did it, The Loved Ones did it, now Tiptoe Through the Tulips is up there with goosepimple educing awe. There are too many things I like about Insidious to list here but a few worthy of special mention is the genius back-and-forth window distraction jump, the he’s-behind-you demon photo-bomb, the screeching violin scale descend in the opening score, Lin Shaye, the smiley smash cut, that crackle, the boy in the corner, Oh and of course… Lin Shaye.

9. Another Earth – What’s scarier than Rebecca Black? The idea that there’s another identical Rebecca Black on a duplicate planet a few light-years away. And she’s coming to earth. Welcome to the ingenious and unnerving premise of Another Earth. And while Abrahams’ would getting morning glory over this concept and sponge it out as a 5 series Sci-Fi opus (read: yawn). Another Earth takes it, shrugs at it, then spins a beautiful, intimate and personal character study that just so happens to be situated in the context of there being another earth. It’s the least sci-fi Sci-Fi i’ve ever seen, yet instantly manages to be one of the best.

8. I Saw The Devil- The car kill. The freakin car kill! That sequence blows all kind of brains over the bathroom floor for utter ingenuity, itll give arterial spray fans a goregasm and any film maker out that a serious moment of head scratching as to how it was filmed. EDIT: THE BALL SMASH, I just remembered the ball smash. Ohhhhh the ball smash. For the awesomeness that was the technical mastery of the car kill, is only surpassed by the vicious simplicity of the ball smash. This movie is an absolute opus, riddled with insane set pieces, a driving & occasionally shocking storyline and an ending to end all endings. The finest of it’s kind since Seven or Henry.

7. Livide- Try as I might and despite best intentions, I’ve never been able to get into poetry; however… celluloid, that I do get. Lucky for me, then, that Livide exists. And exist is the best way to describe it, for with all its cinematographical mastery and narrative beauty, the film simply breathes of its own merit. It is fluid and esoteric, fucked up and gorgeous. Despite a lack of truly linear story, much to the digression of many of the films haters, it does have – just like any good poem- a story behind it. A concept or ethos that I think is susceptible to the viewer to pick up themselves (though I’m more than willing to spill my ideas on the matter). It is an acquired taste, but a taste of beauty in destruction and creepiness to the n^th degree.

Side note: And don’t let reviews fool you, though it isn’t as gory as Bustillo and Maury’s last masterpiece A L’Interieur, this movie is all horror and definitely does not skimp on the violence.

6. Lake Mungo- While ‘Kevin…’ scared me in a way that will stay with me for the years of my life untill I have a stable 18 year old child, Lake Mungo garners the award of keeping me up all night for fear of turning out the lights. It’s that good. Like if the people behind The Last Broadcast decided to make a decent movie and re-wrote the ideas behind Twin Peaks (down to keeping the Palmer name); Lake Mungo has all the twists, randomness and creep of the Lynch series and more. Its best to go into this one blind, so that’s all I’m going to say. Except that it’s credits reel is *SO* *FREAKING* *GENIUS*. Okay I’m done now, I promise.

5. The Divide – It seems anachronistic that my 5^th favourite film of the year is possibly the 5^th most bummer inducing films I’ve ever seen. I guess nihilism has never looked this good. Gens takes the stale post-apocalyptic genre, rewinds it a tad to the point-of-destruction and hones in the focus to the very (in)humanity within the situation. Breathtakingly bleak and personal to an uncomfortable degree, The Divide simply horrifies in its captivating portrayal of what people truly are reduced to.

4. Attack The Block / Super 8 – Two of my most beloved films of all time are Stand By Me and The Monster Squad. Despite every effort to enjoy every film I see, simply none match these two favourites in terms of heart and an earnest nostalgia for a time I didn’t even experience. Thank God then that 2011 brought along these two mini masterpieces that manage to capture the feel of these classics, embracing this retro-nostalgia vibe without ever being chokingly hipster-esque retro, and show what E.T. would have been like if ET was pissed off and/or horny and intent on taking over the earth. Everything about these movies reeks of greatness and as such I cannot separate them.

3. The Woman – Lucky McKee. Angela Bettis. Sean Spillane. MATCH.MADE.IN.HEAVEN. The Woman does to the nuclear All-American family what American Psycho did to the all-American guy-next-door: peel back the shiny exterior, reveals the beast within… and fucks your mind. To talk about The Woman would be to ruin its effectiveness; it’s an unsettling journey to a place that cannot be expected, one of shocking beauty, brutal redemption and slow-burn satisfaction. It’s a stunningly auteur masterpiece that also contains the most subversively amazing sequence I have seen all year. Just wait till Sean Spillane’s (who, by the way, scores the entire movie incredibly in the least pretentiously indie way possible) ‘Distracted’ hits the speakers. Hyperbole can’t cover this. I can fault this film in one way: it doesn’t provide adequate facial padding… Just maybe put a pillow under your jaw while watching.

2. Detention- Hands up who wants to see a slasher flick that has a sing along Hanson cameo? Yep thought so. Roaring in a number 2 is the indefatigably genius seizure that is Joseph Kahn’s Detention. Imagine if Kevin Williamson and Diablo Cody had an ADD baby with a medical intolerance for Ritalin that grew up to be a methamphetamine addicted screenwriter. Detention would be said screenwriters first work. And my god, does it work. With a pace fixed at Sonic the Hedgehog (post Star Powerup), more pop references than all of Juno’s dailies put together and a pitcher of blood thrown in, Detention is a piece of unimaginable brilliance. Every shot is meticulously planned and executed to the millisecond, Oh yeah and it was written, conceived and directed entirely by one man… oh and made independently to boot. Detention is perfection.

1. Black Swan- I don’t think I have to say anything about Black Swan to warrant it’s no.1 position. Just watch it and you’ll know. Even after upwards of 20 viewings I can find nothing to fault or even yawn at. It’s a Kubrick sandwich with Argento filling and Carpenter’esque paranoia sauce. Food allegories aside, theres nothing I can say of Black Swan that hasn’t already been said, it’s if not the most well known, the most talked about movie on this list. I wish I could put something more niche here so to inspire one to watch something different. But thanks to Aronofsky, I simply can’t.

0 (Yes I cheat, what of it). Drive- Words cannot begin to explain my love for this film without going into War & Peace territories, and as such, will be saved for another day. Quite simply though, if ever a perfect movie comes to mind, this is it. It’s not only the best film of the year by a short mile, it’s one of the best of the past 20 years. The new Pulp Fiction. The new Rear Window. The new Troll 2. Whatever your superlative, Drive deserves it.

And that’s my two cents.

Hello world!

Welcome to WordPress.com! This is your very first post. Click the Edit link to modify or delete it, or start a new post. If you like, use this post to tell readers why you started this blog and what you plan to do with it.

Happy blogging!